What To Do When It’s Cold In Florida

The Local News Channel says another cold front is rolling in. Let’s all be prepared Florida style.

It was the winter of 1981 , it was so cold we had to wear close- toed shoes. I was 25 years old and don’t think I saw my sandals for the month of December. I also learned a new word called ”coat”, it felt foreign on my  icy tongue. Last year we had the coldest Winter that  had  been recorded in 30 years. In case Frosty the Snowman tries to move into a Short Sale , let’s know what to expect.

The Beach- we have really white sand , but it does not fall from the sky. That would be snow. It is very hard to get a tan with Cashmere on. Stay home if it gets too chilly for the beach , say anything around 60 degrees.

Citrus- fruit trees do not like freezing temperatures. If you get a frost warning , wrap all of your Orange and Grapefruit trees in old beach towels or encase them in lanai cushions . You might want to light some Tiki torches and try to warm their branches without burning the Cabana House down. Those long Swarovski like crystals things hanging from your Lemons are icicles , not dangle earrings from the Best of Everything.

Reptiles- many of our Invasive species are not made for the cold. Prepare yourself for a rain of Iguanas falling from the Cabbage Palm trees. When it hits 45 degrees and you need to head to the Blue Martini for a Hot Toddy , get out your beach umbrella and use it as a shield from a possible hailstorm of inert Lizards. We also have no idea what the Pythons will do if it gets frigid. This is  also why we have a special Snake Squad patrolling the Collier County back roads in search of alien giant- sized Boas that may try to seek refuge on the warmer road tar on Gordon Drive. If you come across a frost bitten Anaconda , call 1-888-HELP-I SAW A SNAKEORHADTOOMANYMOJITOS.

Ice Skating – should it hit 32 degrees , we will block off Third Street , have our Pool Boys wet it down , and slide around on our plastic Crocs . Walkers and Wheel Chairs will be considered Snow Mobiles and will not be allowed on the ice. Chiropracters will be on call 24 hours a day.

People from Minnesota- you are not allowed to roam around in plaid shorts , leather thongs , or leopard print bikinis acting like it is Summer when it is really 45 degrees  . Yeah we know you hail from hardy Swede stock , but those of us who grew up here are kinda like those Iguanas , we are sluggish and paralyzed in anything below 50.

So prepare yourself for a possible cold winter , get as much sun now as you can , and if worse comes to worse , we can take the fast boat down to Key West.

It is Thursday , a day that is lukewarm. Not the beginning , not the end. Right there in the middle. Let us sail on toward Friday , I feel sunnier all ready

.Peggy Oberlin Registered Interior Designer 4986